There’s a whole chapter related to having a sweet tooth. There’s also a chapter about how to celebrate together. There’s even a treat everyone the same chapter. Halloween is all three of those things. The sugar and the celebration need little explanation. However, few realize how halloween is a rare moment where anyone who dresses up and shows up can get something for free. Almost anyone as you’ll see in my story.
I have always been a strategic thinker. Every halloween I would come up with a plan to get more candy. Seinfeld was right when he said that all I could think of as a kid was get candy, get candy, get candy.
At about 8 years old, I had filled a full pillow case and had to go back home to unload. The year after that, I got to thinking that I needed to cover more territory. So I began optimizing my costumes for mobility and speed. I figured I could go farther out if I had a suitcase with wheels. I went to my mother’s closet and borrowed one of her old airline stewardess uniforms to deter the attention from the suitcase. At 12 years old, I figured that I was wasting time covering some territory that wasn’t as fruitful as my own neighbourhood. That year, I planned 3 costumes. First something fun and simple like a hockey player. Second, back to mobility efficiency: a morning jogger. Coffee cup and newspaper attached to the sleeve. The third was my favorite. The goal was to be absolutely unrecognizable. I had passed my neighbors house twice already. Some had probably noted my daring rudeness to « trick or treat » their house twice. What was this mastermind of a third costume? A basic ghost. Two holes for the eyes and a sharpie pen drawn open mouth. Who’s that dressed a ghost some inquisitive neighbours would ask. Booo! Was my answer.
That’s not even the most outrageous thing I did for candy. The unwritten rule is that when you start getting taller than the people answering the door, you should just go buy the candy yourself. So at 18 years old, I taped some shoes to my legs and dropped to my knees begging for candy dressed as a mustachioed midget. It genuinely worked. Some didn’t even notice. Those who did, applauded my determination and originality. By the end of the night, I felt my knees had gone through the soles of my shoes. At 19, I had a different strategy. My girlfriend at the time promised her cousin she would chaperon him. I put on the old hockey goalie equipment and joined him. I would still go to my knees but this time I had giant hockey pads protecting my knees. By the 6th house, I was reminded of what my 8 year old self had discovered: that mobility was the primary criteria. So finally at 20 years old, I did what reasonable people with a sweet tooth do. I bought discount candy on the 1st of November.